JAG Graduation -- Afghan Style



"I WILL SERVE AFGHANISTAN!!! 
well, at least until it is no longer politically expedient
for me to do so ... shhhhh!"

 Today there are 31 new Afghan JAGs.  There were supposed to be 33 but two of them wisely went AWOL midway through their five-week basic legal officer training course.  And since none of these guys have been paid for months -- and since most of them just found out that they're being assigned to some of the biggest hellholes on the planet -- and oh yeah, they were told today that you'd better be there in two days damnit and so what if you haven't seen your family for months you whiney babies -- we've set the over-under on the number of these dudes who will actually report to their assignments on Saturday at 12.  Judging by how at least a dozen of them refused to participate in the post-graduation group photo and instead stomped off, I'm taking the under.  The nice thing for them is that every March, President Karzai issues an AWOL amnesty decree.  Loosely translated, the decree reads: "Hey, we know we gave you rotten food and flea-ridden blankets and sent you to roll around on land mines and paid you in pistachios, so really, we don't blame you for going AWOL -- if you just come back within a couple of weeks, we'll pretend you never left!  Oh, and be sure to pick up a handful of pistachios on your way to setting off the land mines -- thanks!"  But hey, let's dwell on all that after the weekend, when our intrepid JAGs decide maybe being a goat farmer isn't too bad after all.  Today is all about progress and the rule of law and holding up paper certificates over your head and screaming, "I WILL SERVE AFGHANISTAN!"

Watch out Taliban!

That's what they do here, you know.  They shake hands with the mullah generals -- the same guys they curse under their breath -- take the certificate, and then hold it over their head while loudly pledging their allegiance to this nebulous concept called "Afghanistan."  And these dudes love certificates -- they'll frame pieces of paper that show they passed information assurance training.  (Note: this isn't totally true, since there is no such thing as information assurance in Afghanistan ... but if there were, they would totally frame the certificates and promise to die for their country while not looking at unauthorized websites.)  The graduation ceremony was held at the Kabul Military Training Center, which is the epicenter of all Afghan National Army training.  It's on the outskirts of Kabul, spread out on the base of treeless mountains that look like something out of southern Nevada, but only if southern Nevada had slightly fewer dudes with turbans and AK-47s roaming around them.  There were approximately 1,000 Afghan army soldiers graduating from various courses, so as we walked to the auditorium where the JAG graduation was being held, we were treated to troops goose-stepping around a vast concrete parade ground where a band of kazoos and drums played.  (Note: I'm not sure the band was actually playing kazoos, but it sure sounded like it and it sure sounded awesome.)  (Another note: It's a little-known fact that goose-stepping intimidates the Taliban.  Those buggers get horrified when they see the Afghan Army goose-stepping their way to the battlefield.)



"If you come back, we promise to
pay you this time!"

 The auditorium where the graduation was held is by far the nicest building I've seen in Afghanistan.  Sure, it looked like the typical piece of crap building from the outside that I've grown accustomed to in Kabul, but the inside was stunning -- thanks America!  There were marble floors, plush stadium-style seats, lights that were actually turned on, intricately carved wood paneling, and a lobby that was set up like those massive living rooms from mobster movies (of course, this assumes mobsters have living rooms where 20 electrical cords are plugged into the same outlet and with no heating whatsoever).  Given the plush surroundings and the fact that we had our assault rifles, some people took advantage of the scenery to pose for some photos.  Of course, I would never do something so silly as that ... and besides, my hamster-powered Internet does not allow me to post anything on this here blog, so what would be the point? 



Stadium seating: what a concept.
They have it in Kabul, but not
Waldorf, Maryland. 

 By the way, the graduation speakers here are just as crappy as the ones back home -- you are the future, we are so proud of you, don't forget that Allah is all powerful and that practicing law is just an extension of Islam ... you know, the same old song and dance.  I can't even tell you how many times I've been bored out of my mind at some high school graduation by some dude singing the Koran.  I mean, come on already.  According to our U.S. advisors at the legal school, at least six of the graduates can't read or write -- just a minor detail, I say.  After all, I've received briefs from opposing counsel before that appeared to have been written by a 4 year old (the crayon was a dead giveaway), so our Afghan partners are in good company.  I'm not sure, but I think the guys holding up the certificates that said "Hooked on Fa-ah-onics Work-ed for Me!" were the ones who couldn't read.  It didn't matter -- they screamed "I will serve Afghanistan!" just as loud as anybody. 

Man, I love this place.

All pictures stolen from the Internet.